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rare auld times 

Has Bernardino turned into Chico Bail Bonds' Bad News Bernie?

He looked sloppy and bored and silly out there today. But who don't like Bernie?

I support Bernie like all the doofuses that yellow ribbon 'support our troops' magnets on their vehicles. Actually, I lend Bernie more support than the magnet buyers support the troops. I pay money to watch him not pay attention. I scoop up cheezy merchandise and wear some of it. I also buy a whole lotta $8 beers and $4.50 peanuts. I even contrbute to the Jeter meter by screaming inadvertently at other fans when Jeter is at bat.

The Yankees. Tough right now. I remember way back when - before Bernie started, when the Yankees were painful to watch. The attraction was hitting the biggest bar in NY and watching the freakshow unfold. That was when the Yankee Tavern was a step away from whatever shitty dive it used to be. Now it is all pre-fabbish instnato dive decor. Maybe YT was the same years ago and I just saw it as an old man Stan's as I stood forty in hand before he game.

You could just walk up to a game, grab a free ticket off someone, smuggle in a six pack of Coor's Extra Gold long necks and smoke whatever you wanted in the upper deck.

Now you gotta jump thru hoops and pay through the whatoozie for tix.

Part of me wants the Yankees to be losers so I can get my Stadium and team back from all the front runners and away fans who buy tix online so they can come visit the Bronx.

Bernie, we wif you. Now quit space cadetting out there in center and get with it.


I met the brother of some rockstars and he got me into their show and was very nice.

He was not very rockstarish.

He was kinda like an Ewok version of Jack Osbourne, but a bit more schlubby.

Nevertheless, he did hook it up and was very nice to me and mine while we floated on his dime.

Unfortuately, I didn't get a chance to really meet him. I was twisted and kept yelling at him that he should come see a Yankee game with me, or at least a Cyclones game.

He dealt adeptly with my slovenly screaming in his ear and feigned interest in my slurred attempt at dialogue. I guess he's an alright fellow.

As for his musical siblings, they went through the motions with nothing extra than the music. Less enthusiasm then this year's Yankee pitching staff.

If I had paid for my ticket...

you got a Lucozade problem? 

My friend just asked me if I was addicted to Lucozade.

I have several empty bottles around the house.

At $1.75 a bottle it would be expensive habit.

Pricewise/Highwise you may as well go with the heroin.

The larger size bottles of Lucozade turn instantly flat upon opening. You can't even pour one glass with bubbles.

I stick with the small $1.75 jammies.

I don't know if I have a Lucozade problem. I ocassionally drink alot of them to stock up on empty bottles. The wide mouth bottles serve as excellent empty smoke butt receptacles.

You see, I smoke on my small sad excuse for a porch on the second floor of a big house and throw my butts into a Lucozade bottle.

Following my recent drought in Lucozade intake (always too sweet, sometimes too bubbly, Arabs in the corner stores ran out and I wasn't buying it at a $2.50 clip from the extortionate Irish Diner -- see I ain't no junkie), I tried out a small Poland Spring water bottle as a butt recepticle.

Tonight I placed the Poland Spring bottle in my special wind resistant corner of the porch/perch behind the gutter drain thing.

Alas, the wind was too strong.

The gail blew the bottle off to the slanted roof and the bottle rolled off onto the stairs and onto the landlord's car and out onto the sidewalk in front of my home.

I looked around.

No one.

I thought about it.

I went down the stairs.

I picked up the bottle.

I took one or two last drags.

I opened the bottle, dropped the spent smoke in, and walked back up the stairs.

On an unrelated note, I just heard the Edmund Sisters singing "I Don't Like Crying" (or something like that) on WFUV. Now they are playing blues.

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Fred votes guilty. Posted by Hello



"Large. Dark. No sugar."


"You keep your large dark to yourself. Okay?"


yankee hookey 

Leaving the game early to go back to work when a little little yellow shirted staff kid rudely confronts saying I can't leave through the exit I am already more than halfway through.

"You kidding me?"


"What? I'm already out here. Look."

"I don't haff to look! You going back inside to Gate 2."

"Yeah. What are you gonna do throw me out?...

Drag me back inside to throw me out?...

See ya, Powerman."

The key, as always, was to never stop moving the feet.

six degrees 

What cosmic force placed Tiger Woods and Kevin James next to each other at Yankee Stadium last night?



A little kid on his bike picked on me.

He was riding in the middle of the street with another boy when I noticed he was repeating the same two syllables in my direction. Just as I turned to see what was going on, he stood on his peddles, let loose his best Ha! Ha!, and peddled off.

Just then I realized he was saying "nice suit," in much the same way as the phrase "nice head" was employed when I was a boy.

I guess this is how kids train for riding around in cars and deriving pleasure from yelling at pedestrians who can't hear what they're saying.


crack you skull open 

The short bald guy in the Dymanex polo shirt told two people today that he was gonna crack their skull open. One guy was a work colleague who told him he should not be sleeping at work. The second guy was a 'white guy' on the subway who bumped into him.

When I heard that white guy's don't say shit to him I exhaled alot of smoke that blew over on him and waited to see what kind of reacton I'd get.

None. He just kept repeating the phrase 'crack your skull open' or variants of the phrase. I started counting halfway through his phone call and scored twenty-three repeats before the bus came.

The experience was akin to watching a non funny Def Jam comedian. They can screamingly repeat the unfunny punchline over and over - emphasizing one word one repeat and another word the next repeat, but the end result is an unfunny joke.

shoulda went cursive 

Someone turned the "Happy Birthday, Liam" I wrote on a bathroom wall into "Happy Birthday, Ham."


MMM Marshmallow! 

Thank you person who yelled, "Mmmmm, Marshmallow!" precisely when the Stadium crowd focused its attention on the very large man catching a foul ball.


"Your sign sucks!"

"You suck!"

"What does it mean?"

"It means you're a jerkoff! A dumb loud drunk jerkoff trapped in a little man's body!"


ticketmaster is terrible 

I just went to the Stadium Box Office.

They told me $5 tickets for Thursday were sold out.

So I went on-line and bought one $5 ticket from ticketmaster.

Total cost for $5 ticket?



bowhunting shitzu fan 

Everyday I walk back the same parked white Toyota jeep with heavily tinted windows. The back windshield has a large buck with the words "Born to Bowhunt!" across the top in violent jagged letters.

Today, for the first time, I noticed a "Got Shitzu?" logo and shitzu dog icon on the back side window.

Tomorrow I will check out the street side rear window.


in the post office 

Mom: We’re not going to Hershey Park. We’re going to Jamaica.

Son: Do they have characters in Jamaica like in Disney?

boston fan upset (as team wins?) Posted by Hello


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four stops on the 4 

Today on the 4 train a hairy-lipped teenage coquita got on, stood next to me in the doorway, and said "You get out my f'ing face. You f'ing stupid f'.

She repeated various alternate patterns of the words f' and stupid several more times in a rather upset tone that was magnified by her exagerrated arm-fold and leaning aganist the door. She was facing me as she spoke, but I kept reading and assumed she wasn't speaking to me. She wasn't. I was apparently invisible because she soon she revealed all her private troubles to her friend, to me and to a couple dozen other complete strangers. At first she sounded a bit like a terminal patient who knew exactly how long she had left on this earth.

She had wasted three or four minutes speaking to someone on the phone yesterday. Then he be like calling her all afternoon off the hook, which apparently wasted some more minutes. She was like should I wear shorts? He was like NO! She was like well should I wear a skirt? cuz she had gotten a couple of cute skirts. He was like NO! And then he was like you wear your Pepe Jeans cuz he's gonna wear his Akademiks...

I wondered where they would be off too in such high-styled finery, but I dared not ask.

The train kept making stops and she kept talking and I kept listening to her talking.

He had told her to stop wasting minutes after she didnt immediately pick up his phone call because she was on the phone with her mother. He was angry because she then turned off the phone and was unavailable to him for several more failed call attempts.

Her mom had came home at like twelve and she stood up (stood being Bronx past tense for stay) with her mom to like around five o'colock in the morning cuz they were listening to music. He up with his mom late and you know she don't be telling him not to be up with his mom and what not. He so f'ing stupid. Like she giving her number out to boys and and whatnot...

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